Monday, 14 September 2015

My pain is no different just because I'm young

Yes I'm only 23! Yes I am a mother! Yes I am a bereaved parent! And that makes me no different than any other bereaved parent!

Since starting my blog I've had so much response. I've had messages from people that support me, I've had messages from people who say I have helped them, I've had messages from people who understand, and messages from people who don't but who want too. 
I've also been introduced to pages and forums with other bereaved parents, under an array of different circumstances. 

This is great. I love that people can come together in a time of grief to help others. But one of the main things that keeps popping up is age. Don't get me wrong I haven't seen anyone out right say, 

''I hurt more than you because I'm older.''

But often I get the feeling that this is what people imply. 

I understand, I really, really do. I know the pain and upset, I know how unfair it all is. I know the feeling of wanting a baby so much and seeing all these people around you getting pregnant and having babies with no problems at all and it's just not fair. But I also know that the majority of those people deserve to make a family as much as anyone else. Regardless of age. 

I often see posts from bereaved parents stating that a family member/friend has announced their pregnancy. This will often be followed with how unfair it is. I've posted similar myself. Yes it is unfair and that's a perfectly normal part of grief and a perfectly normal feeling. What I struggle with is the reasons why it is unfair. 

''This person has only been with their partner 1 year!'' 

''This person isn't even married'' 

''This person is younger than me!'' 

''This person is only 21!''

''This person shouldn't be having children!''

The only valid reason for being upset about it is because this person is having a baby, and it should be you. That's fine. Envy is a part of grief but that doesn't mean because they have a different life than you that it means they shouldn't be able to start a family. 

This is where I come in. 

These type of ''so and so is pregnant and they shouldn't be'' posts get under my skin. They really upset me. The reason being I'm a young mum. I had Lily at 18 and I hadn't been with her dad very long. I hadn't even been with Brent a year when I fell pregnant the first time with the ectopic. It had only been just over a year when I fell with Albie and under 2 years when I feel with the next little bean. 

But I am a good mum! Regardless of my age! And I deserve to have a healthy baby just as much as anyone else. These comments make me feel I don't deserve it. The fact that someone has been married 10 years, they're 30+ and desperate for children makes me feel unworthy of children at 23. 

I've seen comments saying that these bereaved women were too young and they should try again when they are older and more settled, when they have a better career and own their own house. People say, ''It was for the best.''
Like they wouldn't have been a good parent anyway and therefore don't deserve to grieve for their child as much as someone older who has all these things. 

Ive had similar comments said to me.  And it makes me feel like shit. I'm am no less deserving of a child than someone else because of my age, where I live, who I live with and how good of a job I have. I have provided for Lily, and albie to some extent and I will provide for any other children I may have in the future. 

So please please think before you speak. Wether you have no idea how we feel or wether you've unfairly been through it before, Just because a person is younger, less experienced than you it doesn't mean they are less deserving. And it doesn't mean their loss doesn't hurt as much as anyone else's. 

It is unfair but after all, Life goes on.