Tuesday, 1 September 2015

Facts V feelings

I'm very good at telling people all the facts, but I'm rubbish at telling people how I feel. 

Facts are easy. They are easily explained and easily understood. Feelings however, are hard to explain and a lot of the time people don't understand them. 

Since Albie, my life has been a series of good days and bad days. I'll have weeks where the bad days are over and above then I'll start feeling good again and those days will become more frequent and it's a vicious circle. I guess that's how grief works. 

People think that the loss of a baby during pregnancy (especially due to medical termination) is not the same as the loss of a baby at or after birth. But it is. That baby was still their child. That baby was still loved. That baby was as important as any other baby born, alive or sleeping. That grief doesn't just go away. I'm sure with time it will become easier to live with but it will never go away completely. 

I don't tell people how I feel for a number of reasons. A lot of the time I think people just think 'oh just get over it'. I feel I annoy people when I'm upset so I tend to keep it to myself. I also think it makes them uncomfortable, they don't know what to say and how to make me feel better so again, I keep it to myself. 

Some days I cry so much my eyes get sore and my lips go puffy. Some days I can't even function, I'll go through the motions but I can't hold down a conversation. 
Some days I don't know what I want. Some days I need someone there and sometimes I'll tell everyone to go away even if that's not really what I want. 
It's easy to take the rejection of a grieving parent personally. But they need you really. Maybe not right at that second, but they need you.  

I've pushed people away and I've shouted at people. The feelings I've experienced over the last few months are completely new to me. It's like a heavy brick that I carry about in my stomach. It never goes away. It's eased slightly sometimes. When I'm happy or even when I cry. But it's always there. On the bad days I feel like I'm trapped in a small room, unable to escape. I tell everyone I'm fine. I won't tell people I'm not ok. 

Sometimes I want to feel sorry for myself.
Sometimes I want to be on my own  
Sometimes I want people to check I'm ok, because I'm not.  

I'm not ok! 

This is something I need to work on. I don't want people to avoid me. I don't want people to feel uncomfortable. I want people to understand. I want people to know that I miss my baby, that I feel it's just not fair. I want people to know how hard it is for me seeing so many others with their growing bumps or their new born babies. I want people to understand me, because this is my life now. I have to live with this brick, under this dark cloud. And if you can put up with me when I feel like that then know that you helped me. You've helped the sun push through those dark clouds. 

After all, life goes on.