This page has been very quiet the last few months, not only because I'm feeling better in myself but because we have started a new chapter in our lives, and we've all been very busy.
Don't get me wrong, just because we've been busy and I haven't been using this blog to vent my frustrations doesn't mean there hasn't been tough times. There really, really has!
It started about 3 months ago when my grandad, who is my absolute hero was taken ill and sadly passed away at the grand old age of 95! - maybe this isn't relevant to this story at all but I truly believe it is.
I'd spent quite a lot of time with my grandad in the weeks beforehand. Half the time he didn't even know who I was but we would still spend hours holding hands and giggling. I didn't even know what was funny.
When his health really declined I didn't see him, I was meant to go one day and and decided not too and leave it until the day after, but it ended up being too late.
I hated myself! The regret, the guilt, it was just awful. It bought back all those feelings I had when I had Albie. I'd just keep asking myself why didn't I do more?
I kept these feelings to myself because my nan and my mum needed me. It wasn't until a few weeks after that I suddenly felt different. I couldn't put my finger on it.
And then this happened...
Yep that's right...we're pregnant...again.
And for the first time in 2 and a half years I didn't panic when I saw this little stick covered in my pee. (Although that didn't last long!)
The first step was to have an early scan to rule out another ectopic. So off we went to the hospital. The scan showed a sac but no baby, which isn't uncommon in the early days. What was uncommon was the free fluid floating around in my pelvis. Quite a significant amount. This, and the pain I was in, led the Drs to believe that I was in fact having another ectopic, even with the sac seen. I needed blood tests to find the HCG levels over a 48 hour period and another scan in a weeks time. Naturally I went away fearing the worst.
Fast forward a week and my HCG levels had increased nicely and I was ready for my next scan. Well, I say ready, I was absolutely petrified!
I lay in that dark room with my eyes closed waiting to hear the bad news. And there's the sac, with a yolk, and a tiny baby with a heartbeat! (And the free fluid had been re-absorbed) I honestly could not believe it.
Step 1- tick!
A few weeks went by and I tried not to panic. I have felt differently this time. I've stayed as positive as I could. But sometimes that worry just creeps in, so I booked a private scan. Again, I lay on the bed with my eyes closed but next thing I hear was the familiar sound of a tiny heart beating away.
Step 2 - tick
Scan at 9 weeks.
Whatever panic was bubbling away inside ready to explode, was slowly disintegrating. I had another scan 10 days later...
Scan at 10 weeks.
This was around the time that I stopped worrying about wether baby's heart was still beating and started worrying if something was wrong. If this baby had the same condition as Albie.
My scan at 10 weeks was amazing! This tiny being inside me was wiggling away and doing back flips! It was hard to get any measurements because it wouldn't stay still Long enough. Again, the worry disintegrated a little more. Albie was unable to move much and every scan we had I had to get up and jump around and they would prod and poke me trying to get him to turn slightly. So this was amazing to me, seeing this little person so active.
I went for my booking appointment at a different hospital. I refused to go back to the hospitals that had given me such awful care when I'd lost my other 3 babies. It was a breath of fresh air and relaxed me even more.
My 12 week scan was booked and I recieved a letter when the appointment was but I was going to be nearly 14 weeks by then. I know how busy the hospital is and because of my specialist care it's hard to fit me in earlier, I understand that.
As it turned out I ended up having a scan slightly earlier, just to check baby, but the NT level was measured. You may remember when I was pregnant with Albie that we found out there was something wrong at our 12 week scan because the NT level was hugely increased. So this was majorly significant to us. This was going to partly tell us wether this baby had the same as what Albie had.
Albie's measurement was 5.3mm then 2 days later 7.9mm. Anything over 3.5mm is high risk.
This baby had an NT level of 1.4mm!!!
Step 3 - tick
We were all so happy. I can't believe we're actually going to have a baby!
Scan at 12 weeks.
The reason I feel like my grandad is a big part of this story is I honestly, truly believe that this is a gift from him, and it's like he forgives me for not seeing him before. He gave us this chance to become parents again and I know he's looking after us all. He was a wonderful, selfless man who loved us with all of his heart.
So we may not be totally out of the woods yet, we still have a fair way to go but we're looking forward with positivity and hope.
After all...life goes on.